Wednesday, April 14, 2010

An Inspirational Story of The Heart - Margi's Story

Well here it goes for what it’s worth......

I am a Mom of 5 children, mostly born at home, never cared much for doctors but went when necessary, for my kids and myself. Point is I didn’t have much need for intervention. Raised goats and organic food, exercised a lot and led a good life. I taught at a YMCA, was outdoors coaching and teaching in the summer, years went by, busy years....I was always the one folks came to for advice, for natural ideas to heal. I always thought if you had a good fire burning you could get through anything and fresh air and a good book could heal. But after my Dad died (of Liver Cancer) back in 1981 little things started to brew; I had these alien attacks in my stomach and the docs said well its gall stones... they looked, no I ate less fat, and put it out of my head, grew increasingly dependent on Rolaids. I started to not sleep when I was pregnant with my 4th child. Doc said eat more turkey, tryptaline ya know, and he patted my cheek. He didn’t know I REALLY was not sleeping, but hey I had my son and went back to work and mommying, more migraines, lost a friend to Hep C and add another boy three years later; add an Alzheimer’s Mom to the mix and well I was busy. Not sleeping and working full time. 3 older kids somewhere between high school and college. Busy times, still not sleeping... I know this is a long story but the point I am making is important, bear with me, because I went to the docs.... asked him to test me for everything, told him I had a short and not so sweet history with drugs when I was 15 (1969 maybe?), told him my Dad died of liver cancer, told him I wasn’t feeling well....wasn’t sleeping, my head hurt, my body was starting to hurt... this was in early 90's... So a long history of antidepressants followed and then therapy, I went, we all had rotten childhoods, so post traumatic syndrome and an abusive husband later, my marriage failed. I meant to tell you I went to therapy I wanted to FEEL better....Now my marriage wasn’t perfect, which one is? However, here is one of my points, if I knew I had Hep C and was sick and my husband knew would we have reacted differently? As it was, he took my therapy as a threat, further distanced himself and was angry. He didn’t know I was sick and felt alienation from my trying to get better. Well the therapist was kind of blaming my psychosomatic illness on him. I don’t feel well so what do I know? You can see where this is going. Like I say hindsight is 20/20 but still I am labeled a head case - no one still knows I am sick. I had a doctor make me read a book about all pain being caused by repressed rage...... (I wish I could have visited him with some riba rage.... I read the darn book.....) I divorce, I mess up all my kids, I move away into a few relationships just trying to find "home" ....and finally settle here. My boyfriend says you’re not supposed to be feeling so badly, I say the docs don’t help. They think I am nuts. He presses on... so I go back to the doctors and get, more new antidepressants; they make me feel worse so the docs up the dose, sorry it isn’t helping, so finally I stop all drugs.... I go back to the doctors, mind you this is 20 years after I complained of headaches and insomnia, I say I am not right, I feel lousy, it is your job to know what is wrong , not mine, I am not taking any more pills till you tell me what’s wrong. He pats me on the back and says okay ms lortie Ill do more tests but you might have to get back on your meds, okay I say you do some tests".... two days later he called and apologized..... And I cried. I had lost my dad, my friend Linda, and a few others, I knew. He said he was sorry. That was 3 or 4 years ago I think. So a few liver biopsies later and a failed treatment of 4 months of interferon and ribiviron later here I am, waiting and hoping for a cure. I can no longer run and walking is painful; the once strong health freak is humbled by a stupid virus. Sleep, well I get some powerful knockout drugs but I am one tough horse to put down. I read a great article in the New Yorker about how we all evolved from bacteria and viruses and how it shaped what survived and what didn’t over millions of I am either what survives or what doesn’t in a big pic more powerful than me and I am humbled but still constantly reminded that each of us is important in this fight to bring knowledge and healing to our future generations. I have offered my body for trials, sorry you are not good enough to do them you would make our trials fail, ouch, my counts are off my history with interferon tainted by random alien infection and failure..... Sigh so here I sit in the middle of the night, a virus with a heart and mind, wanting to survive, to help my grandson learn to laugh and find the good in every day.

This is my story


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